My Dating Life
This has been a popular topic (not for me, but for many of you… sigh). So, let's talk about it. My pain points with dating, the swag-gap between myself and most men, and my dating history. Enjoy.
Some Context
What is my dating life like, you might wonder?
Well, let’s first set some context.
I’m 28. I run a company I’m proud of, and I’m in the process of building it into something worthy of global recognition. I occasionally make media appearances. I play sport. I make time for the gym. I don’t party or go out much (not because I don’t enjoy it, trust me, I love to let loose a little, but because it makes it very difficult for me to get anything done the next day). I’ve passed the Singapore Bar Exam and am considered a qualified legal professional in Singapore. I travel often. I’ve done immense inner work and continue to do so. I have friends all over the world whom I regularly visit.
To keep it short, I live a very full life.
I’ve worked very hard to get it to this point, and I’m struggling to figure out how the hell I’ll ever let a man come into my life and change that.
I’m not against it. I’m just very picky about who I allow access to potentially F-up my juju, Dear, reader.
I mean, apart from allowing a man into my life, I would also need to confront the fact that there is indeed a severe swag-gap between myself and most men. And before anyone comes for me, I’m not looking for someone to shower me with money and gifts (I’m not that kind of girl). I’m simply looking for a man who can meet me at my level intellectually, at the very least.
IS THAT SO HARD?
(Yes. It is. And we will discuss the “Swag-Gap” issue later in this article.)
My Experience with Men Has Always Been Complicated
As a young adult, I seemed to attract only three kinds of men: the deeply damaged, the ones with mommy issues, and the borderline narcissists.
I’ve actually become exceptionally well-versed at spotting narcissists. In fact, I no longer call them narcissists. I call them vampires. And I can spot one from a mile away. If you need help in spotting one, Dear reader, I got you, and i’ve got my garlic and wooden-steak ready.
Frankly, many of the men I encountered weren’t interested in helping me grow into myself. They were interested in suppressing who I was because my growth threatened their insecurities.
The cherry on top was my most recent ex. The man who turned me into a shell of a human being and essentially a nervous wreck 24/7.This was also the man who cheated on me and humiliated me in front of our mutual friends. It was a terrible experience. However, I think I needed it.
I needed something painful enough to wake me up; and wake up I did.
After the breakup, I travelled the world and met all kinds of people. What I realised was that lustful men are not rare. They’re abundant.
You know the type.
The man holding his girlfriend’s hand while making sure he’s maintaining eye contact with you. The man lying next to his partner while DM-ing other women.
The man who simply cannot control his impulses. There was once a time when I would have felt flattered by that kind of attention.
Not anymore. In fact, it repulses me.
After travelling the world and intentionally exposing myself to all kinds of people and situations, I made a decision:
I wouldn’t date for fun. I simply didn’t believe in it anymore.
Why would I waste my time and grant someone access to my life when there was no meaningful benefit, purpose, or direction behind it? I decided that the next man I allowed into my life would be someone I could genuinely see myself building a future with.
I hesitate to use words like “boyfriend” or even “husband.”
Both somehow feel inadequate.
Because the person you choose is far more than that.
They’re your partner.
Your equal.
Your confidant.
Your biggest cheerleader.
At least, that’s what they’re supposed to be… right???
The Swag-Gap Issue
Perhaps this is the elephant in the room. However, I suspect this isn’t a problem unique to me. In fact, I think it’s something many high-achieving women are quietly wrestling with.
Somewhere along the way, many men were raised by mothers who did everything for them. The unintended consequence is that some never developed the ability to do much for themselves. At the same time, women were told to become independent, capable, educated, financially stable, emotionally aware, and self-sufficient.
Now we have a strange dynamic and societal imbalance; A generation of highly capable women trying to find equally capable men. So this “swag-gap” I’m facing isn’t my issue alone. I think it’s a fairly universal problem.
But in my world, it’s very real. I regularly meet men who want to teach me about business despite never having built one. Men who want to give me pointers in the gym when my six-pack is doing a perfectly good job of speaking for itself. Men who tell me they’ll “go easy” on me on the football pitch when I know, with absolute certainty, that I would smoke them, respectfully.
There seems to be an apparent swag-gap between myself and many of the men running around these days. The uncomfortable truth is that I think I make some men feel insecure. But what exactly am I supposed to do about that? It’s not like I’m performing. It’s just me being me.
I have friends who float in and out of the OnlyFans world, or who have mastered the art of shrinking themselves around men. I’ve often asked them, “How do you do it?” They smile while clutching a Gucci bag, sporting freshly painted nails paid for by the man in question, and tell me: “You just have to make them feel smarter and stronger than you.”
Apparently that’s the secret. “That’s how you get everything you want”.
But Dear reader, I simply refuse to believe that finding a partner requires pretending to be less intelligent than you are. That the solution is to strategically make yourself smaller. To perform incompetence.To manipulate a man into believing he’s smarter, stronger, or more capable than you.
BLEH.
I’d like to believe there are men out there who have done the inner work. Men who don’t need to control women in order to feel good about themselves. Men who aren’t threatened by competence. Men who are so secure in who they are that they don’t need to manufacture superiority in silly little ways.
There must be?
So yeah, my dating life has been practically non-existent.
But honestly? It’s not a bad thing. I’m having a lot of fun.
And like I said before in other articles, when you’ve spent years building a beautiful inner world, you’re going to be very selective about who you allow into it.
Especially when they have the potential to completely F-UP your juju.
That’s it from me, dear reader.
If you’ve got more questions, let me know, and I’ll happily overshare part of my life in another articles.
With love,
Alia x